Being lost. An essay to find myself within uncertainty.

Being lost in your own life. What a strange feeling.

Honestly, I do not know where this post will lead us. Maybe you will never read these lines and if you do, there is a chance you won't understand. This is a deep reflection on my journey during a moment of uncertainty.

Since weeks, I completely lost the pleasure of coding at work. Where I used to lack time in my day, now there is far too much of it, waiting for the end of the day.

That's a problem, a real one. Not only because I'm completely unproductive, but also because this is leaking into other areas of my life. This means that even my personal projects are suffering and worse, getting off my couch is becoming a real effort. Knowing that I will share a moment with some friends, for a chilling or a party, is currently the only thing pushing me to get out. Going to CrossFit is also a good reason to move.

Scrolling through my feeds is so much simpler, even if I know that it is just a temporary escape, an illusion which, when it fades away, leaves me in a worse state than before.

The worst part is that I have two conferences to build and to train, a SaaS to finish, and some live streams to do.

You will certainly say that I should take a break. You could be right. But if you take me away from my personal projects, the things that have driven me for years, even if it's hard for now, what will be left?

Also, taking a break does not solve the root cause of the problem, only the symptoms.

But how did I get there?

It's a multi-faceted problem. I've been thinking and writing some notes about it for two weeks, and gosh, this could be one of the hardest problems I've ever encountered. So many things are intertwined.

At work, every little action requires me to move mountains. Something that I can do at home within an hour or two now takes weeks. Not days—weeks. The most exhausting part is not really having to ask for permission, or anything else; it's more about the mental load that comes with it. When you have to constantly justify, ask, and wait, the project inevitably stagnates. This stagnation is incredibly frustrating and demotivating.

I strongly believe in the mindset of shipping early and often, even with the risk of failure. It's better to learn from small mistakes than to wait for the perfect moment that may never come. Currently, my velocity is zero.

At the same time, during a live stream where I discovered Java with a professional, I realized that another world exists, and that, in the end, I do not know a lot about web development. It might sound amazing, but it also makes me realize how much I have to learn. The only way for me to learn all that is to practice within a specialized company. With that in mind, and knowing that everything is way harder than it should be at work, I feel the need to change something.

The thing is, my current work is an incredible opportunity. There is literally nothing else like it in France. I'm building a space launcher. So yeah, I'm making a pros and cons list. Is there anything more overwhelming than having choices?

Now, add the overthinking—thinking about all the possibilities, analyzing every detail, and trying to predict every outcome that will never happen.

The perfect cocktail for being completely lost.

Welcome to my mind.

And, on top of all that, there's this quiet distraction. Someone whose presence lingers in my thoughts. It shouldn't complicate things, but it does. I'm on a rollercoaster.

Is life just ironic sometimes, or is she really trying to send a message? I wonder. Recently, during a conversation in the subway, someone said that it must be great to turn a passion into a job. I have to admit that when all the stars align, it can be incredibly fulfilling. Everyone always talks about that alignment. I rarely hear about the misalignment, the struggles, and the doubts. It's like a house of cards—a fragile balance that can quickly collapse. When it does, your whole world, everything you built for years, can come crashing down.

As with everything, it's a trade-off. Unfortunately, few talk about the downsides.

Maybe all of this is part of the process. I hope so. I really hope so.

This loss of control, for someone who used to try to control as much as possible, is quite unsettling. I'm overthinking everything to try to catch up, but maybe the only way out is to let go of control.

I'll see. Let time take its course.

I'm writing despite being within this chaos, unable to find the right words and without seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But I have two hopes. The first is that doing the exercises of introspection and trying to put words to my feelings helps me reduce the fog. The second is to have a snapshot of my current feelings and thoughts, that I can use later to understand how I got here and how I move forward.

Maybe you're connecting with this feeling too. At least, I hope you understand it.